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Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
  —  Steven Wright
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On This Day In:
2018 Bourne Wicked Blonde
First Things First
2017 This Explains A Lot
2016 Me Too
2015 A Proper Price
2014 Well Hard
2013 Because I Can
Eloquence, n.
2012 Why Bother?
2011 Peculiar Notions

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How you react when the joke’s on you can reveal your character.
  —  Robert Half
[After two years in Office, Congress continues to refuse to fund a “wall” so President Trump declares a “national emergency” to divert funds from approved budgets.  When lies fail, steal.
The “sad” thing is, the joke isn’t ON #IncompetentDonald, he IS the joke.  —  KMAB]
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On This Day In:
2018 Mirror, Mirror
2017 Keep On Keeping On
2016 Reflections
2015 Is It Time Yet?
2014 Ask Any Follower
2013 Cornered Or Surrounded?
2012 Escape
2011 Achievement
Not Unreasonable Enough

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Easy To Tell

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: ‘What are you doing dear?
Husband: ‘Swatting flies – I got 3 males and 2 females
Wife: ‘How on earth do you know which gender they were?
Husband: ‘Easy – 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone
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The following is a short story I found on our recent trip to Oregon.  It was one of several sheets of paper handed out to hotel guests to amuse them while they were having breakfast…
A Seniors Trip To COSTCO
Yesterday, I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog.  I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?  So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect balanced diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard…
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
The moral of the story:  Better watch what you ask retired people.  We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
[Postscript:  Just out of curiosity I googled this story and found dozens of references.  Not as many as I thought I’d find, so I guess this is a fairly recent story/joke.   —   KMAB]
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